Fight to Forgive
By Leann Spruell
As a child, I was taught to say, “I’m sorry.” The apology was intended to mend feelings and claim responsibility for an incident. I was also expected to receive an apology and give forgiveness to whoever had offended me.
Receiving and giving forgiveness was a part of growing up and learning how to relate to others, but I remember how difficult this process was for me.
Thinking about it now, how often did I really feel sorry for what I did? Being stubborn, I often felt justified in my actions. I was angry, hurt, and defensive. The last thing I wanted to do was take responsibility for the things I had said and done, especially when I felt they were warranted. And what about the apology? The other child was usually coerced by their parents to utter their words of “remorse.” I often evaluated their sincerity and questioned whether they realized the full ramifications of their actions. I doubted motives and had a hard time forgiving someone when I thought their admission of guilt was less than genuine. Probably another indication of my stubbornness.
Now that I have children of my own, I realize the character my parents were trying to instill in me through giving and receiving forgiveness. Regardless of my reasons, they wanted me to recognize the part I played in causing a situation to turn south. I was learning to give and receive grace. My parents were preparing me for life. They knew that as we live in this world, the wrongs against us increase. The wounds dig deeper and the healing takes longer.
What can compare to a parent faced with forgiving someone who has harmed their child? What about the spouse forgiving the partner who broke their family apart? We are surrounded by stories of injustice. People being unfairly treated. Wounds that pierce our hearts, leaving lasting scars.
THIS ISN'T EASY
The apostle Paul teaches us that followers of Jesus should forgive each other, just as Christ has forgiven us (Ephesians 4:32). Surely this doesn’t apply to severe injustice or instances of tremendous loss and heartbreak—right?
Wrong. The Bible is talking about those times, not just the small situations in between: from a child forgiving an annoying sibling to a spouse forgiving their partner after a profound and devastating failure.
How is this possible? Forgiveness can be difficult under the best of circumstances, when a person takes responsibility for the hurt they’ve inflicted. But what about the process of forgiving someone who doesn’t notice the damage they’ve done? Or worse yet, when they refuse to take responsibility for it? The more severe the hurt or the greater the loss, the harder it is to forgive.
NOT IN OUR STRENGTH
God does not leave us alone as we struggle to forgive others. He comes alongside us as a patient Counselor, a loving Father, and a fierce Defender. He sees our hurt, and He understands it.
Unforgiveness can feel like a backpack we carry around. Each time we choose to not forgive, we add more weight to the backpack. Bitterness and anger weigh us down and alter the way we live our life and see others.
We must not forget the forgiveness our Heavenly Father has so graciously given us. He forgave my culpability in sending Jesus to the cross, my seasons of unbelief, my tendency to abandon ship at the least sign of trouble, all the times I doubted His goodness. He offers forgiveness for all my sins. He wants me, and every one of us, to put down the overloaded backpack of unforgiveness. He instructs us to forgive, because the act of forgiveness is a characteristic of Christ. It’s laying aside our self, our defenses, our own gain. It doesn’t come easily when the offense is severe. But the harder it is to forgive, the greater the opportunity is for Christ to mature us in the process.
HAND OVER YOUR HURTB
When we press into the hard areas of forgiveness, we see change begin to take place in our life. Forgiveness is not first a feeling; it’s an act of discipline. My parents didn’t make me say “I’m sorry” because it was how I was feeling. In the most difficult times of my life, when I’m presented with the decision of whether or not to forgive, it can’t just be based on how I feel in that moment! Forgiveness is not about the offender—it’s about our relationship with Christ. Forgiveness sees past the person who caused us pain and focuses on our Savior who can heal our pain.
When we forgive, we aren’t minimizing the wrong someone has done to us; we’re telling God that we trust Him. We are turning over control and letting Him work in and through us. It begins with acknowledging Him as our loving Father and talking to Him about the pain. We dig into Scripture and see what the Bible tells us about forgiveness. Then the next step may be to talk to a close friend or seek counsel to process how to move forward. Forgiving the wounds inflicted on us is a daunting task, and one we cannot do alone.
Let us remember the forgiveness that has been freely offered to us all. In light of everything Jesus has done for us, He asks us to follow His example and forgive. Make this a season filled with hope, healing, and forgiveness. It isn’t too late to surrender your pain into the Redeemer’s hands.